The Driving Force
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
By now, most of you who read Part 1 are probably wondering “why” we acted the way we did. Why would two handsome, physically-fit, intelligent young men fortunate enough to attend the most prestigious regional university in remote Southeastern Louisiana waste their lives? Let me attempt to calm your disappointment. Consider the timing. It was the early 80’s. Animal House was released in 1978 and skewed the way students would look at attending college forever. Toga parties were huge on campus, as were unfortunately parachute pants, big hair and leg warmers. It was anarchy! Have you ever been inspired by a book or article you’ve read? Some people draw inspiration from the Bible. Others are inspired by books from Anthony Robbins, Richard Branson or The Dalai Lama. Our inspiration was National Lampoon magazine (which we both subscribed to). The was one special issue titled “The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O. C. and Stiggs.” The title says it all. It’s about two idiot friends – O.C. “Out-of-Control” Ogilvey and Mark Stiggs, and their outrageous antics over one fictitious summer. We loved it because it had everything we loved…Girls, booze, rebellion, revenge and girls. It became the operating manual for how we would conduct the next several years of our college lives.
Chicks…Check ‘Em Out!
“A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.” – Samuel Goldwyn
John and I liked girls…a lot. We decided that we were going to change our approach in meeting girls. We were going to take a much more assertive, confident, mature approach. No more introducing ourselves with fake names like Mike Hocksbig, Hugh Jorgin or Dick Gozinya. No more bad pick-up lines like “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” or “Was your Mother a beaver? Cause Damn!” or “I’m glad I have my library card because I’m totally checking you out!” We still, however, used “Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong” and “I like to stay on top of things…Would you like to be one of them?” Just kidding, but maybe not. We decided to use our pseudo-cartoon-celebrity recognition as a way to break the ice. We would frequent our local drinking establishments like The Sting and survey the room for two attractive girls. Then, like a cheetah sneaking up on its prey, we would go in for the kill. It went something like this. “Hi, my name’s Jerry…What’s yours?” (I never really listened to the answer) And your name? (Again, not listening). Guess who my friend is? The girls asked with a confused look on their face “Who?” “Guess!” “We don’t know.” “It’s Nasty John.” “Who?” “Nasty John from the school newspaper. Take a look at his face until you recognize him.” “Oh my God! It is him!” “Can we buy you girls a drink?” “Sure!” Fortunately, it was Thursday night and draft beer was 25 cents and mixed drinks were 50 cents. Never has $ 5.00 gone so far. The trap was set. Imagine a cheetah dragging his conquered prey into the tall grass. That rarely happened. In our defense, our new scheme to meet girls worked great. The only part that didn’t was the actual “bringing girls home” part. What we failed to include in our plan was the fact that in addition to creative opening lines and free drinks, girls apparently wanted sensitive guys who listen and have money, charisma, things in common, intelligence a big package and “feelings.” No such man exists in the world today…except me.
Sorority Scheming
Profit is sweet, even if it comes from deception. – Sophocles
John was the university photographer. As a result, he would get many invitations/assignments to photograph the many soirees and events that were held by the many sororities on campus. They would hold various functions like award ceremonies, dances, theme parties of a philanthropic, social or chapter nature. John would always take me along as his assistant to help carry his lighting, camera bags and equipment. I also had a camera to assist in capturing the many special moments of the event. I must have posed hundreds of girls and taken thousands of photos that were never developed because there was no film in my camera. It was all part of a ruse to get me into the event. I had to look legit. When I asked John why I couldn’t have film in my camera he stated “Film costs the university money and I’ll get in trouble for developing hundreds of your out-of-focus pictures of nothing but cleavage.” While a pig at heart, he was fiscally responsible. One thing to note was that the large camera bag I carried was always empty. There was a reason. At a given point in the event, John and I would carefully choreograph our moves. It was a thing of beauty. Think “Dancing with the Stars.” While John would summon all the girls to get together for a group picture (which took forever because it’s girls), I would raid the food table/buffet and fill the empty camera bag with finger sandwiches, cookies, spring rolls, cold cuts, vegetables, cocktail weenies and anything else I could fit in the bag. Given the girls would want several retakes because their eyes were closed, they were laughing or mostly talking, it gave me ample time to clean them out. Afterward, back in the dorm room, we would descend upon our spoils like a pack of hyenas fighting over a fresh carcass. After the alpha-males John and I would eat our fill, we would offer the remains to our friends. Several of the girls would notice the missing food and wonder which one their sisters was binge eating and purging. Surprisingly, given that most of the sororities were so bitchy to each other, they never talked and our actions were not discovered in advance. To this day I bring an empty camera bag to Golden Corral.
James the Believer
“Fanatics do not have faith – they have belief. With faith you let go. You trust. Whereas with belief you cling.” – Yann Martel
James lived in the dorm room across a very narrow hallway from us. Our doors were eight feet apart. James was one of the several campus “Holy Rollers” and was part of one of the university Christian organizations. Given that I too, am a Christian and have a very strong faith, I respected James for his zeal for the Lord. I respect anyone who is willing to stand up and defend their faith. The respect was not mutual. James was fanatical in his views and his preaching. He was a fire-breathing dragon of Bible quotes and religious doctrine. Did you ever know someone that was obsessed with something and had to talk about it 24/7? Like the girl I used to date who was obsessed with unicorns, wouldn’t shut up about them and had them splattered all over her bedroom walls, comforter, clothing, underwear and had tattooed on her ass (sorry..TMI). I always thought that if James ever had the chance to meet Jesus, our Savior would tell him “Dude, take it down a notch.” While he would boldly proclaim his piety, he would judge people based on his own views and beliefs. He believed John was possessed by demons and that I was a heretic. He was always telling me I needed to be saved even though I informed him I had checked that box at baptism. Frequently, we would open the door to our room to find religious brochures shoved under the door. Compounding the fact was his proximity to our room. Every time we committed any type of violation of campus rules he would run up to the the Resident Assistant’s office to report our indiscretions. It was like having a little brother who told Mom and Dad every time you did something wrong. There came a point in our time where our tolerance ran out and something needed to be done. We declared a Holy War.
The First Crusade
“Once you start a war, you have to win.” – G. Gordon Liddy
While James was extremely animated in his preaching, he was a modest guy. It was well known on the first floor of McKneely Hall that Saint James waited until late in the evening to go “Number Two” when everyone was tucked away in their rooms. He liked his privacy. Possessing this valuable information, we hatched our plan. John and I hung a couple of soda cans tied together on his outside doorknob. When James exited his room for his 11:00pm constitutional, the cans rattled loudly and startled him. Thinking it was a stupid prank we had pulled to scare him, he proceeded to the community bathrooms midway down the hall. The cans were actually an alarm that notified us when James was leaving his room. Giving him adequate time to select a clean stall and get settled in, we departed our room on our mission. In our possession was a strong explosive “firecracker” called a Silver King. Think of an M-80 on steroids. It packed a punch. While James was in the stall, we placed the Silver King inside an empty grey garbage can and put it on a “delayed fuse”. A delayed fuse is when you insert the fuse halfway down the side of a cigarette and light it. As the cigarette slowly burns down, it eventually lights the fuse and BOOM! We inserted the fuse close to the end for a shorter delay and lit the cigarette. The next two minutes gave us ample time to sneak back to our room, turn off the lights and climb into bed. The explosion and concussion was incredible and shredded the garbage can to pieces. The shock blew James off the toilet onto the filthy bathroom floor. Adding to his horror was the entire first floor of students opening their doors, running into the bathroom to see what happened and seeing ” Modest James” covered in crap with his pants still around his ankles. Conspicuously missing from the crowd were John and I, feigning sleep and lack of involvement in our room. Bad move. Our lack of reaction or appearance immediately pointed the finger at us…and that’s when we got “The Call.”
Mrs. Donna / House Mother
“To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.” – Author Unknown
The phone in our dorm room starting ringing. We didn’t answer. It rang again. then again. We knew who it was. It was our Resident Assistant/House Mother, Miss Donna. She never understood why we called her our House “Mother.” She was a bitter 60 year old woman who had no business being around the younger generation but most importantly, she hated John and I. No matter what happened, even if it wasn’t on our floor, our phone would ring and we would get called to her office. I reluctantly answered the phone and said “Dominos?” It was a manic Mrs. Donna wailing at me saying “You and John get your asses to my office right now!!! I calmly stated “We can’t come right now.” She yelled “If you don’t get down here now, I’m writing you both up!!!” I again calmly stated “We’re not ready to come just yet.” She then screamed “Last chance! Now or you’re done!” Knowing we were pushing the limits, we finally complied and headed to her office. We politely knocked and when she opened the door she shrieked “Oh my God! What the hell is wrong with you!!!?” There were John and I standing at her door wearing nothing but our tighty-whities. I smiled at her and stated ” I told you we weren’t ready to see you.” As Mrs. Donna continued to scream at us to get out, I did notice her glancing just a little too long at our banana hammocks. Naughty lady….
Judgment Day
“Judge not, lest you be judged” – Jesus
Judas James had betrayed us. He violated the ninth of the ten commandments. Bearing false witness against your neighbor. He had fabricated a story that while dropping a deuce at 11:06pm, he had seen us enter the bathroom through the cracks between the stall door. He said he didn’t know what we were up to, but then the explosion occurred. Truth is, had he actually seen us he would have hauled-ass out of that bathroom stall as fast as humanly possible. Given all of the evidence was circumstantial, we got off easy. We received an official warning from the university that any future violations would result in us being placed on disciplinary probation for the rest of the year. One more slip-up and we were done. We proudly framed our official reprimands and hung them on the outside of our dorm room door like a badge of honor for all to see. They had won the first battle. But as you know, it’s not about who wins the battle but who wins the war. We were coming…and there was nothing they could do to stop us.
More to Come
I’m exhausted. Reliving these experiences is wearing me out. Be sure to keep an eye out for Nasty John – Part 3. There, we will delve in tales of lost innocence, Bubby’s betrayal, search & seizure, consequences and new beginnings. To make it easy to follow me, I’m including a link to the exact page you are already on but can’t find the damn follow button. Hope you’re enjoying Hot Jeremiah.
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