Spring Break

The Disclaimer

I had second thoughts about writing about this particular true story. The primary reason was that I didn’t want anyone to think less of me based on the childish actions of my past. But then I thought, “How much less could you possibly think about me?” The bar was already pretty low. I’m also pretty sure you did a lot of dumb-assed shit in your lives as well. I then thought about how everyone has been dealing with the COVID-19 situation and how we’re all eager to get out and enjoy life again. That’s how I remember Spring Break feeling. We were cooped up in class and couldn’t wait to run out, hit the beaches, drink too much alcohol and act like fools. And that we did. This is a story about one such Spring Break in the pre-Celina era of my life. I was attending Southeastern Louisiana University and was probably around 19 at the time. As a result, I was immature, selfish, impulsive, pretty wild and filled with hormones. As you read this, just keep in mind a verse from a very good friend of mine…”He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone…”

Road Trip

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart” – Confucious

We departed from Hammond, LA and headed down I-12, connecting to I-10 towards our ultimate destination, Ft. Walton Beach, FL. The truck was meticulously loaded with all the essentials for a fun-filled vacation. Included were canned beer, bottled beer, keg beer and bathing suits. Subsequently missing from the provisions we had loaded for our 4 -hour road adventure was food, water, sunscreen or cash. We drove to Florida in our friend Bubby’s pick-up. Bubby drove, my friend Randy sat in the passenger seat getting high, and my roommate John and I rode in the bed of the truck drinking beer from the keg and waving at any cute girls we would pass. It was a beautiful, glorious day. What could go wrong?

Stuckey’s

“I think nudity is funny, especially when it’s inappropriate.” – Chelsea Handler

John and I each possessed a superpower. We could turn beer into pee. After letting Bubby know our eyes were floating, we decided to pull over at a Stuckey’s. Do you remember Stuckey’s? If not, let me tell you about them. If you were driving down the interstate and you had sudden mad craving for a cheap souvenir, peanut brittle or a pecan log roll, Stuckey’s was your destination. We pulled in, parked, peed and then got in line at the register to purchase whatever roadside travel-stop crap we had each selected. Standing in line in front of us were two very attractive girls wearing suggestively tight tube tops and shorts that left most of their caboose exposed. John, being the Southern gentleman he was, politely tapped one of the girls on the shoulder and said “Excuse me Ma’am.” She turned, smiled and said “Yes?” John returned the smile and said “I have to tell you, you have a magnificent ass!” As I waited for the loud slap to occur across John’s face, she surprisingly stated “Well yours isn’t too bad yourself!” That started John and my dialog with the two fine young ladies. We attempted to get to come to Ft. Walton with us but they respectfully declined stating they were on their way to Tallahassee, FL to open a new nightclub. They commented that a couple of good looking guys like us shouldn’t have any problem getting in trouble in Ft. Walton. They paid for their merchandise and departed. John and I were next in line and did the same. As we exited the front door, the two girls pulled up in a black T-Top Chrysler Cordoba with a large sign in the back seat that said “Daddy Rabbit’s Playhouse & Gentlemen’s Club”. WTF? They then both simultaneously removed their tops and gave us a preview of the “nightclub” they were opening. As they drove off they yelled “Nice meeting you boys!!!” John, in a desperate attempt to get them to come back did something my eyes can never unsee. He pulled down his shorts to his ankles and naked from the waste down, started gyrating his hips like someone dancing the The Floss. His junk flailed back-and-forth like a bad martial artist swinging half a set of nunchucks all the while yelling “Come back!” If things couldn’t get worse, as he was body-beckoning the two strippers to return, my friend Randy was politely holding the door for an elderly couple that was exiting the Stuckey’s. To this day I remember the shock and horror on that poor man’s face. I also remember the sly smile his wife gave John as she walked passed him to their car.

The Prankings

“I’ve been doing pranks my whole life, so I guess I’m pretty good at it.” – Bam Margera

When you are young and in college, you prank your friends. Some of the pranks we pulled were a little more severe than most normal college students. Once we checked into to our seaside escape, the prankings commenced. One of the first occurred after Randy passed out cold on the sofa. We had found a can of black spray paint under kitchen sink and thought, what the hell? (See double exposed photo below). Randy had to go to the convenience store to purchase gasoline so he could wash the paint off his legs in the shower, subsequently ruining the shower. The next involved another friend, Alan, who drove in to stay with us for a couple of days at our hotel. He had just returned from basic training for the Marines and was in full jarhead mode. He also did not hold his liquor very well. One night when he passed out, we took markers and decorated his face with swastikas, gave him a puppet mouth, a clown nose and colored both of his ears blue. The next morning everyone loaded up in the truck and I woke Alan stating “C’mon! We’re all going to the Waffle House!” Alan quickly threw on his clothes and jumped in the truck. It took everything we had not to burst out laughing. We all sat our table and the waitress came up, smiled, threw her hand over her mouth and said “Is he OK!?” I said, “He’s just really tired.” When Alan asked “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I told him, “Your eyes are just really bloodshot and puffy.” That is when Alan announced that he needed to pee and needed to go to the restroom. Knowing he would eventually be in front of a mirror when he washed his hands, we threw money on the table for the coffee and hauled ass. We barely made it into the truck before Alan came charging like a bull out of the Waffle House threatening to kill us all. During his long walk back to our hotel, he had plenty of time to cool down plan the many retaliations that would follow.

Bubby

“You guys are assholes!” – Bubby

Bubby was a natural human target. Something about the guy just screamed “Screw with me…please!” He was target of frequent pranks during the trip. One afternoon, Bubby was sitting on the toilet contemplating life when a lit 12-pack of bottle rockets was shoved under the locked bathroom door. Bubby instinctively stood and screamed “Shit!” and then he did. We called this one a ‘twofer’ as we had only intended to scare and/or inflict minor injuries on him. Bubby shitting on the floor was a bonus and what we call in Louisiana “lagniappe”. Bubby was victim yet again when he was taking a much needed shower. We picked the lock on the bathroom door and snuck in. As I grabbed the end of the shower curtain, John raised his camera. I threw the curtain open and John snapped off several award-winning pictures of Bubby, buck naked, obviously cold and flipping us off. Those pics would finally be used in the Crown Jewel of pranks. I took the photos and using an Exacto knife, cut out the naked image of Bubby and made my own personal greeting card and mailed it to him at his home. The unintended result that occurred is what made this prank even more special. In my haste and cheapness of not wanting to buy an envelope, I used free Southeastern Louisiana University stationary to mail the card. Upon receiving the official looking envelope from the University addressed to her son and knowing her son’s propensity for bad grades and disciplinary probation, Bubby’s Mom decided to open the envelope. What she extracted was a card designed as a simple country outhouse, complete with a half-moon window cut out of the door. Peeking through that window was an eye. We all wish we could have been there when Bubby’s Mom opened the door to that outhouse to reveal her wet, naked son, standing next to a toilet, holding 12 bottle rockets, shit all over the floor with the caption “Who needs Ex-Lax when I’ve got fireworks!?” I’m laughing my ass off as I write this.

The Road Home

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes Karma’s a bitch. It was check-out day and there was precious little time to prank Bubby one last time. The plan was discussed and Bubby’s fate was sealed. While Bubby was sleeping off his final hangover of the trip, Randy, John and I woke up early, packed our stuff in the hotel and loaded up Bubby’s truck for the trip home. Being the considerate friends we are, we were careful not to wake him. Then we took Bubby’s truck and drove back to Louisiana, leaving him sleeping in the room to check out, explain the deplorable condition of the room, to hear that his damage deposit would not be returned and to find a way home. When Randy dropped me off at home, my Mom came to the door and said “What have you done!? The State Police called here asking about a stolen truck!” Uh-oh. Bubby had played his trump card and now we were the ones scrambling. We were fugitives! Given we really didn’t feel like driving another 8 hours round trip, we paid Randy $40 and a case of beer to go back and pick him up. Bubby eventually called the State Police explaining he was mistaken and that one his friends had “borrowed” his truck without telling him. I narrowly escaped my grand theft auto charges.

Reflections

You would have thought we would have learned our lesson but the pranking continued and with more intensity than ever, always trying to outdo ourselves. Bubby, Randy, John and I all drifted apart over the years. We each went our separate ways but I still like to think that every once in a while a smile comes to their faces when they think about those times. We all do a lot of stupid things when we are young. The lesson is being able to look back, learn from mistakes and improve on how to better execute the stupid things you did and make them stupider. And by the way…I haven’t stopped pranking people. You may be next…if you don’t start following my blog.