The Honeymooners (Another True Story)

Wedding Day

“Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always”- Dante

July 28, 1984. The best day of my life. It was the day I got to marry the girl of my dreams. I even cut my bangs for the event! It was a beautiful wedding attended by a large number of family and friends. My wife was absolutely gorgeous and everyone was trying to figure out how an idiot like me landed a hot chick like her. It was mostly because of the huge size of my did I mention how gorgeous she was? As with most weddings, there were many drinks consumed, lots of dancing, pictures taken, vows exchanged, a drunken conga line and more drinks consumed. Half the wedding was spent trying to keep my side of the family from removing their clothing. People placed bets with one another whether Celina was pregnant (we only dated 8 months) or whether we were just stupid. They were wrong on both counts. Some people whispered in corners that our marriage was “doomed” and wouldn’t last. They said we were just young and stupid to ever get married while still attending college. Hell, even the Catholic Church said we were incompatible and refused to marry us. Who’s laughing now bitches!? Still going strong after 35+ years! It was an awesome, drama-free, wonderful wedding. And then it wasn’t.

Bon Voyage!

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Seneca

It came time for us to leave. Our family and friends pummeled us with rice and Celina and I got into our limousine to depart. Well it wasn’t actually a limousine. It was a 1978 Mercury Bobcat hatchback. Thanks to my cousins it was covered in profanity and obscenities about the things that were supposedly going to happen later that night at our hotel. They were kind enough to load a styrofoam ice chest full of beer in the back seat for us because nothing says “Honeymoon Romance” like canned Schlitz. After immediately stopping at a car wash, we began our journey to our first stop on our honeymoon adventure. The beautiful Ramada Inn Beachfront hotel on the Redneck Riviera in Biloxi, MS. This was only to be a quick overnight stop before heading to our “real” honeymoon destination….wait for it…..The Ramada Plaza “Resort” in Ft. Walton Beach, FL. This guy spared no expense on his new bride. It had a faux-rock waterfall with a swim-up bar in the pool that Celina was too young to visit. It had everything! It was like being swept away to a Hawaiian Island only instead of hula girls, palm trees and flowers, it had fat guys, a tour bus full of elderly people and a strange smell. And our fairy-tale honeymoon began.

The Accident

“The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances.” – Aristotle

As we headed South towards Highway 90, a light rain started to fall. Celina and I were still reeking from the gaga love haze that surrounded us due to the emotional events of the day. We were married! Yay! Some mushy love song came on the radio and that triggered the waterworks. Celina started crying (something she hadn’t done all day). I thought it was because she realized that she was now stuck with me for the rest of her life. I couldn’t stand to see the sight of my beautiful new wife crying. Not because it upset me, but because it was making her mascara run. As I was reaching over and trying to console her, I wasn’t paying attention to the road. When I finally did, that’s when I looked up and hit the brakes, only to slide on the wet pavement right into the back of a flatbed trailer. The ice chest full of beer came flying from the back seat and smashed into the dashboard. After checking to make sure the beer was OK, I then checked on Celina. She was shaken up, but fine. Fortunately, the truck was owned by a Mississippi Judge which guaranteed I wasn’t getting out of this. Given Celina was under the legal drinking age of 21, I began chucking the beers in the woods before the cops got there. The car had to be towed to Celina’s Mother’s camp in Kiln, MS. After removing our luggage and hang-up clothes from the car, we had the pleasure of being personally chauffeured by the Mississippi State Trooper in the back of his cruiser. He spent the 30+ minute drive to Gulfport, MS telling us about his divorce and what a vile, horrible woman his ex-wife was. He also explained to us that we were crazy for getting married, that we could expect a lifetime of heartache and betrayal and that he vowed to stay single the rest of his life. The asshole State Trooper then told us that he would only gave us a ride to the Mississippi Highway Patrol Office in Gulfport, MS. We would have to take a cab the additional 13 miles to our hotel in Biloxi.

A Glimmer of Hope

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” – Oscar Wilde

The cab arrived and we loaded our crap into the car. Celina’s eyes were red from crying and I was beginning to wonder if this was an omen of our future life together. To hopefully make things better and take the edge off things, I begged the cab driver to pull over at a liquor store and turn off the meter. Initially he didn’t want to do it but after hearing the story of the disastrous start to our marriage, he agreed. He eventually dropped us off at our hotel, we grabbed our luggage and went inside to check in. What we didn’t grab was our hang-up clothes which proceeded to drive off in an unnamed cabbie’s vehicle. Are you f-ing kidding me? We needed a drink. The legal drinking age in Louisiana was 18 at the time, but in Mississippi it was 21. Celina was only 20 so she couldn’t go to the bar. Man was she pissed when I finally left the bar two hours later and came back to the room.

Consummation

Bow Chicka Wow Wow… – Porn

Really? You thought I would write about the details of our wedding night? You may have issues that need addressing. Consummation was not necessary that evening as that bell had been rung some time ago and my new bride was an emotional wreck. I won’t get into all of the sexy details, but if I can brag for a minute…I WAS AMAZING! It just would have been a lot more fun had Celina been with me at the time.

The Road to Paradise

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

One thing you should know about me. I’m no quitter. I was bound and determined to make this honeymoon the best ever. I had an idea. I would rent a car and we would drive the next day to our paradise destination in Florida. I was 22, had no credit card and was going to pay cash. Apparently to rent a car with cash in 1984, they required “proof of employment”. I emasculated myself and placed a call to my Uncle Bill (who was also my employer) to verify my employment for the rental car company. The first this he said was “I told you not to get married! See what happens!” Being the generous man he was, he paid for the car on his credit card. We were on our way!

The Shit Show

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

As fate would have it, as we arrived at our honeymoon destination, a Tropical Depression decided to form in the Gulf of Mexico and start its slow progression onshore in Ft. Walton. We are Day 1 into our honeymoon and gale force winds are blowing and its torrentially raining. Upon realizing what an incompetent ass she had married and realizing this was the worst honeymoon ever, Celina decided “F@&k it!…I’m drinking the rest of this trip!” There is usually advanced warning of a Tropical Storm or Hurricane. There was no warning for this. As Celina drank, she started making demands like “I want to walk on the beach!” I tried explaining the current weather conditions but it didn’t matter. I was going to make my wife happy. As we dodged pool furniture and beach umbrellas that were tumbling down the beach in 45 MPH winds, she then decided “I’m cold! Let’s go into the hot tub”. Again, anything to make my wife happy at this point. She then proceeded to do unspeakable things to me in front of two 70+ year old sisters in the hot tub with us. When I told Celina to stop she told me “They’ve seen it before!” Then she told them “Take a picture…it will last longer!” I then convinced her that food was desperately needed and that I had made reservations at an incredible steak house that night. We were going to celebrate the first night of our honeymoon in style. Celina continued her self-medication by imbibing in additional drinks before dinner. We each ordered a steak, baked potato and grilled asparagus. Celina ate none of it but did eat three loaves of complimentary bread. After the thirtieth time of telling me “This bread is f@#&ing delicious!” and repeatedly asking the server for the recipe, it was time to leave.

There’s No Place Like Home

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

The next three days went pretty much the same. Celina stayed drunk and I kissed her ass the rest of the weekend. It was finally time to leave and go back to the reality of our lives. As we drove our rented rattletrap back to Biloxi, we weren’t sure the car would make it as the steering wheel shimmied, the rear wheel bounced up and down and it made horrible noises. Just so I could demonstrate to Celina what a macho, reliable husband she had, I then had to call her Mom to pick us up in Biloxi because we had no ride home. It was the honeymoon dreams are made of. Well, maybe nightmares.

Reflection

The German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche once quoted “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” It turns out that he was right. After the unbelievably unfortunate events that occurred during our honeymoon, we’ve never looked back. Our lives and our love for each other have grown exponentially over the years thanks to a loving God, strong faith, a great family, incredible friends and the ability to laugh at ourselves for the dumb-assed things we’ve done over the years. I consider myself one of the luckiest guys on earth…because I’m still on my honeymoon with the love of my life.