Oh God. Please tell me you didn’t visit this blog to hear the answer. Were you looking for a more profound or enlightening answer to the children’s joke you learned years ago like “What is the meaning of life?”. If you were, leave this site immediately. You have issues that cannot be addressed reading this blog.
The Mind is Terrible Thing to Waste
It’s amazing how a rainy Saturday morning and several Bloody Mary’s can get the creative juices flowing. Given I’ve somehow managed to get you here to read this, I’m going to take this opportunity to let you all know about all of the things that I dislike, irritate me and generally drive me crazy. This has been a long time coming. If you don’t take the time to read this you’ll have to endure me complaining about these things the next time you see me. Sit back, relax and read. Don’t forget, I’m always right:
Jeremiah’s List of Things I Dislike:
+ Miracle Whip – You’re not freaking mayonnaise! Stop pretending.
+ The Word “Bazaar” – I’m OK with “bizarre”, but the word “bazaar” is like fingernails on a blackboard to me.
+ Facebook Posts that Demand Me to Copy and Repost – Don’t tell me that if I don’t copy and repost your post I hate Jesus, puppies, disabled people, etc. Just stop it.
+ Black Licorice – Let’s put the stale taste of death in a chewy string candy!
+ Shoe Sales – When my wife tells me she saved me 50% on a new pair of shoes when she could have saved me 100% by not buying them in the first place.
+ Mimes – C’mon man. That’s what you chose for a career?
+ Clowns – See above. They are literally the scariest damn things I’ve ever seen.
+ Anyone Who Drives Faster Than Me – Why are you flying past me when I’m already doing 10 miles over the speed limit? Are you a maniac!? Who do I secretly want you to get pulled over and ticketed when I don’t want the same for myself?
+ Anyone Who Drives Slower Than Me – Get out of the fast lane you asshole! Stop reading your stupid texts messages and looking at your girlfriend’s selfies! Why don’t vehicle manufacturers install missile launchers on the front bumpers of cars? I wish I were Mad Max right now.
+ The Sight of Blood – I’m actually feeling a little woozie writing this line.
+ Having to Fart – Based on previous experiences, I just never know how it’s going to end up.
+ Sex That Lasts Too Long – Ha! That was a joke!
+ The Sprint Guy Who Used to be the Verizon Guy – He tells me “Don’t take my word for it…” Why would I? You betrayed your former employer and have no credibility. You also look like a garden gnome. Can you hear me now?!!! You make me want to eat lead-based paint.
+ Telletubies – They freak the bejesus out of me.
+ The Kylira Birth Control Girl – Sweetheart. You don’t need an IUD. Just make that face every time you’re with a guy and you’ll be fine.
+ The Xifaxan Commercial – An intestine holding his hands over his ass so he doesn’t crap himself?! Isn’t that an intestine’s purpose?
+ Nick Saban – No explanation needed . Go Tigers!
+ Bill Maher – Dude. There is literally nothing funny about you. How did HBO give you a show?
+ WebMD – I go there to research a pimple and when I leave I’m scared I might have a brain tumor.
+ The Stupid-Assed Checkout Guy at my Kroger – When I asked him why employees weren’t wearing masks he told me ” Masks are only for people who already have coronavirus”. When I asked him if he thought that the 60 people in the store wearing masks actually had coronavirus he said “probably”.
+ The Stupid-Assed Kroger Checkout Guy Again
+ Showing Up at Your Friends’ House and Realizing You Have Something Stuck in Your Teeth – Then realizing it will be 3 hours before you can get it out.
+ Hemorrhoids – Never had them, never want them.
+ Direct TV – Why can’t I remember the numbers if the only 4 channels I ever watch and not have to scroll through all the channels.
+ People Who Say “Supposebly” – It’s supposedly. “Supposebly” you took English in school.
+ Pepto-Bismol Commercials – Really? C’mon everybody! Let’s sing a song about “nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea!”
+ Zydeco Music – Why not just throw two stray cats in a clothes dryer?
+ The Words “Ointment” and “Moist”
+ People Who Wait Until They Get to the Register to Decide What to Order – I’ve been standing in line behind you for 10 freaking minutes. When the girl says “Can I take your order” you now miraculously discover the giant menu board? “Honey, what are you in the mood for?” I’ll tell you what I’m in the mood for. You on an episode of The First 48.
+ Walmartians – I’ve seen things I cannot unsee.
+ Billie Eilish – Isn’t the world dark enough already?
+ Gauged Earlobes – Why? Just Why? Because you needed an extra two holes in your head?
+ Tequila – It hates me equally as much as I hate it. It’s pure maniac-in-a-bottle.
+ The Word “Penis” – There are so many other cool names for this like “The Juicy Flute, Mr. Happy, Big Jim and the Twins, Mr. Potato Head, Huey Lewis and the News, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Shlong.” Get creative out there!
Well, I’m exhausted now and my Bloody Mary has long been empty. Thanks for letting me get these off my chest. My next blog will be much more positive. Have a blessed Easter weekend.
Hot Jeremiah 